''Hi! Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years and on occasion he tells me that I gained weight or that I am fat which doesn’t make him attracted to me. Is there a way for me to tell him off and set my boundaries?''
H. F.
Dear H. F.,
thank you for your question!
As I don’t know you or your partner personally and I also am not familiar with the dynamics of your relationship, I can only give objective, generic advice.
There is a thin line between an etiquette breach and an insult. While insult is always an etiquette breach, an etiquette breach might not be a direct insult if done unconsciously or unknowingly. However, I am afraid that what you are experiencing is not an innocent etiquette mishap but a repeated insult coming from your partner.
If your partner does something that directly crosses your boundaries, makes you uncomfortable or sad, it is important to address it as otherwise it will keep boiling inside and never actually go away. However, becoming straight-up angry or confrontational could pour more fuel on the fire and not actually deliver the message we are trying to push through. It is important to sit down with your partner and explain why and how these comments make you feel. Subsequently, you can be firm on saying how you will not tolerate them going forward. As relationships are like coins that have 2 sides, your partner should also put effort into understanding your point of view and how his behaviour could be affecting you negatively.
As I am not a psychologist or a couple therapist, I am in no position to give relationship advice. But let me put it this way: life is short (as cliche as it might sound) and it is important to keep asking ourselves also the uncomfortable questions such as whether we have the patience and willingness to accept such behaviour from our partners.
I wish you a lot of strength for this difficult but very much needed conversation.
Yours sincerely,
Katarina
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